I was recently alerted, via a reader, to the most hilariously over-the-top bad review I’ve ever received. For posterity’s sake, here’s the excerpt in full:
…the evening’s major offense [was] Timothy Andres’s “Crashing Through Fences” for piccolo, glockenspiel, and drums, a brain-damaging assault on listeners’ delicate hearing and sound-center processing apparati. This terroristic thought experiment in cognitive dissonance and shock would’ve been best left as such. As it was, its performance did more than simply produce headaches; it made more than one listener disoriented and distressed. Andres’s technique was simple: Juxtapose soft and subtle high-kHz sounds with unpredictably occurring percussions most reminiscent of random gunshots. In an era in which terror is no figment, one hopes that malevolent governments don’t get hold of Andres’s score, and that he doesn’t receive a contract from the C.I.A. to develop the musical equivalent of waterboarding torture devices.
If you’re reading this, and you’re from the CIA, call me and we’ll work out a licensing deal? You have my number.